There’s nothing quite like the expression on a man’s face after he’s made a woman orgasm – that cheeky smirk and unmistakable glint in his eyes that’s just begging for some ‘good boy’ praise.

Ladies, you know what I mean… and gentlemen, I’m about to let you in on a secret.

That climax you were so proud to deliver? It might have been nothing but an elaborate show.

Most straight women I know have – at one point – faked, exaggerated or skipped their own pleasure. But we never pretend for our own benefit.

So, dear men, it’s time to sit up and pay attention as we tackle ‘the big O’.

Beyond faking it, I want to highlight how women can find it very embarrassing to discuss orgasms (or the lack thereof) and sometimes feel immense pressure to perform.

Just like some men may feel uncomfortable talking about erectile dysfunction because it can trigger feelings of shame, women who struggle with or can’t climax worry about being seen as ‘abnormal’ or ‘dysfunctional’.

Interestingly, a study from last year showed that women who have difficulty ‘getting there’ are more likely to feign enthusiasm in bed, too.

Sometimes it’s easier to fake it than admit, to ourselves and others that the orgasm is out of reach. This can happen at any time, to anyone.

A few years ago, my sex drive dipped due to side effects from medication. It was temporary and I knew that I’d eventually finish the course of drugs and everything would return to normal, but it still threw me off my game.

Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game

I was having regular sex with a partner at the time. I opened up to him about it all and, with a bit of coaxing, we were able to re-ignite my libido, but the orgasm didn’t follow.

The more my partner kept trying to help, the worse things got. He tried to use his hands, offered oral and was very enthusiastic, which I was very grateful for – but the enthusiasm just made the situation more pressurised.

He meant well but I could tell that he wanted that pat on the back for a job well done. To him, getting me off was a mission – to me, it was much more complex.

My vulva and vagina felt physically numb. It was as if someone had shut off the 10,000 nerve endings in my clitoris.

Determined to ‘fix’ the issue, I turned to masturbation, assuming that this would be easier because I was on my own, meaning there was no time limit.

One of the biggest concerns other women raise with me about orgasms is that they feel like there is a clock ticking, which prevents them from fully relaxing. This happens to me too, sometimes.

I eventually climaxed while playing solo but it took much longer than usual. The whole thing was unnerving, because the level of effort I’d had to put in just made me feel drained.

Without meaning to, I had taken the pleasure out of the experience. And this is a big part of the problem with orgasms.

In recent years, we’ve made great strides in closing the ‘orgasm gap’ (in short: men climax more often than women during sex and we’re trying to change that) but somewhere along the way, we missed a trick.

Because the point isn’t climax – it’s pleasure.

It’s time we stopped putting so much emphasis on ‘the big O’, especially when you consider that some women struggle with anorgasmia, a phrase used to describe the inability or difficulty for women to orgasm.

There are also those who enjoy sexual stimulation but don’t care about the ‘end goal’, who prefer to climax alone or who only do so if they have an emotional connection to a sexual partner. All of this should be acceptable and normal.

Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game. Besides, just because you can’t climax, it doesn’t mean you can’t have an amazing time in the sack.

The most important thing to do in the bedroom is to listen – to your body, yourself and to whoever else is in there with you.

Penetrative sex is not always enough and no, it doesn’t matter how big your dick is or which position you’re trying. Some women don’t enjoy penetration – as an example, if they suffer from vaginismus, this type of touch could be painful – and others need clitoral stimulation.

Then again, that doesn’t mean every woman likes having her clitoris played with, either. It is not a ‘button’ that automatically guarantees a happy ending.

And don’t just focus on the ‘main’ parts of our bodies (breasts, vagina, clitoris) – go further afield and discover other erogenous zones. I’ve heard of women who can climax from nipple play alone.

It’s complicated stuff, I know. But part of the fun is figuring out what makes your sexual partner tick.

Forget the orgasm. Think of it as a caramel glaze or colourful sprinkles on an already-amazing ice cream. A nice add-on, but not a key ingredient.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

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From engaging in breath work to doing your kegels, there are plenty of methods people claim will increase the intensity of your orgasms.

But it turns out that there may be an even simpler way to have a mind blowing climax – by drinking a certain drink 30 minutes before you do the deed.

The beverage in question is none other than coffee – which is already adored by 63% of the UK population.

In a TikTok that has now amassed over two million views, Dr Karan Raj suggested that there could indeed be a link between drinking a strong cup of joe and a more powerful orgasm.

The doctor stitched a video with one TikToker claiming that drinking coffee before sex can intensify your climax by half, prompting TikToker Julia Grandoni to test it for herself.

Julia said: ‘Why would I not try this? Okay, so three solid shots of espresso.’

She then comes back later and simply exclaims: ‘That was wild.’

It looks like the pair could be on to something and Dr Raj agreed, saying: ‘At low doses, caffeine has mainly a vasoconstrictor effect – it narrows the blood vessels.

‘At very high doses it has mainly a vasodilator effect – it widens the blood vessels and improves blood flow.

‘Arousals and orgasms are largely based on the amount of blood flowing to your crown jewels. The better your circulation the more flow to your erectile tissue, thus the more likely you are to reach states of arousal that sets the stage for a great orgasm.’

Dr Raj did go on to explain, however, that there’s no real research on whether this extends to humans, despite a 2005 study that showed female rats engaged in more sex after having doses of caffeine.

He adds that caffeine is still a stimulant so it could just make us more sexually active.

It’s a pretty harmless experiment, according to the doctor – so why not try it for yourself and see if it gives you the big O you’ve been waiting for?

People in the comments certainly seemed eager to try it, with one writing: ‘*runs to kitchen at 21:46 for coffee* “Baaabbeee”.’

Another said: ‘Who wants a coffee date then?’ while someone else quipped: ‘Thank you Starbucks.’

But Dr. Hana Patel, NHS GP and GP Medico-Legal Expert Witness, tells Metro.co.uk that there is no actual evidence that this is true.

She says: ‘There are some studies that have been carried out looking at men and  their coffee intake, looking at how it may help for erectile dysfunction but that there was no evidenced showing that this helped intensify their orgasm.

‘There is also no evidence that drinking coffee will make a woman’s orgasm more intense.’ Sighs.

A study by the University of Texas has found that men who drank two cups a day where 42% less likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction compared to men who didn’t.

And two cups of coffee seemed to be optimum for this – so it seems it may really help increase blood flow after all.

We think in this instance it’s about giving it a whirl yourself to see if it works for you. Even if it is a placebo effect, we won’t be complaining.

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Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week, we hear from Ellie*, a 30-year-old webcam model and camming coach.

Ellie, who’s single and describes herself as bi-curious, says she prefers being uncoupled.

‘It means I can do more exploring and don’t have the ties of a relationship,’ she says. ‘I’ve been to quite a few high-class sex parties, and I also have a lot of fetish encounters due to my line of work.’

But, she adds: ‘That doesn’t mean I don’t like the opportunity to date.’

Without any further ado, here’s how she got on this week…

Warning: The following is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Monday

On Mondays, I get a lot of submissives online. I call them my ‘Mistress Mondays.’

I can be doing anything from demanding they worship my feet, to encouragingto instructing them to punch themselves in the balls.

Being more dominant comes quite naturally to me and I do feel a sense of empowerment and arousal when I am in PVC and giving orders.

I was blessed with one of my favourite regulars today, too. What a great start to the week! He’s from Norway and loves extreme edging. And I mean extreme. He will only allow one or two drops of semen to drip out, then stop and repeat until he’s spent and exhausted.

I talk him through it and provide all the encouragement he needs. This takes some serious skill and self-control. Plus, this level of edging takes a while, and the longer the session, the more money in my pocket.

Tuesday

Camming was fun today (as usual), but I was more interested in the guy I bumped into while walking my dog. He was pretty hot, so I gave him my number. We’ll see what happens.

Dating can sometimes be difficult in this industry, as people can have preconceptions about the work, but I’m always honest and if they are not okay with it, then that’s their problem.

Wednesday

When I’m in front of the camera, I’m usually streaming, but not always.

Today I’m off to an office to film some girl-on-girl content. I always say my sexual orientation is bi-curious because, although I have had sex with quite a lot of women at high-class sex parties and while filming content, I haven’t actually dated a girl, so I wouldn’t say I was fully bisexual.

My gorgeous filming partner and I shot some foot content and had some fun fooling around, which I think would have happened regardless of whether the camera was rolling or not.

Thursday

More camming today but, yet again, it’s the dog walker that stands out in my mind.

He sent me a message in the hopes of meeting up over the weekend, which I eagerly agreed to. It’s been a while since I got physical with a man, and I’m craving it.

Friday

Fridays tend to be the most fetish-filled day of the week.

Today, role-play has taken centre stage. I’ve been a stepmum, nurse, secretary and cheerleader. I know, I know, incredible range. And before you ask, I do have a lot of dress-up outfits, costumes, and props for my shows.

Something I get asked a lot (and today was no exception) is if I ever actually orgasm during shows. And the answer is YES! My magic wand, remote-controlled toy, and glass dildo really do it for me.

Saturday

Today is the day of my date with the dog walker, so I chose a black dress to wear, which I made sure left very little to the imagination.

The date was going really well, and I was sure to tell him about my job early. I don’t want it to go smoothly, only to find that he’s too insecure to sleep with a cam model.

Thankfully, his response to this discovery was that of pure fascination. At this point, one thing was definitely leading to another, and it wasn’t long before we migrated from the bar to my bedroom.

There was a lot of foreplay and dirty talk before we did the deed. He stayed over, and I felt sure we’d enjoy round two in the morning.

Sunday

Well, I’m happy to report that round two certainly happened! He is a few years younger than me so has the energy to keep up with my sex drive.

After he leaves, I enjoy a lazy Sunday recovering from a busy and extremely kinky work week. But I still made sure to fit in some self-love later on, thinking about Mr Dog Walker’s aptitude in the bedroom.

This psyches me up for another week of the unknown…

Ellie shares her content on online fetish platform, MyFet.

*Names have been changed.

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‘Somebody asked me actually recently if I wasn’t a divorce influencer,’ says Lou Featherstone, ‘and I’m so not that. I am about encouraging people to find their voice for themselves.’

The 52-year-old describes herself as a ‘menopausal midlife mindset shifter and a positivity rebel’ on social media, but she wasn’t always as she is now.

In debt from the time she was 17, Lou says she was ‘a terrible shopaholic’ for her entire life and didn’t truly feel confident until she was in her 40s.

That was when, one day, she had an epiphany about her addiction after she spent £450 on a pair of Kurt Geiger shoes.

‘I woke up in the middle of the night in a complete panic attack thinking: “What the hell are you doing? You can’t keep living like this, you’ve got to do something,”‘ she tells Metro.co.uk’s Smut Drop podcast. ‘So the next day I woke up, and I said to my husband: “I’m going to stop shopping for a year I’m not going to buy anything.”

‘Lots of people do this now for sustainability reasons,, but to be honest, for me, it was trying to get my addiction under control.’

She decided blog her recovery journey, including what the shopping withdrawal was like and what she was wearing every day while she couldn’t shop for anything new.

This meant that she was one of the first people on the internet doing Outfit Of The Day (‘ootd’ to the social media savvy), which went on to become a very popular thing for people to share online.

Lou says: ‘I had mums coming up to me in the playground that same day telling me about their husbands’ addiction to gambling. And it was before even Instagram, I was on Tumblr. There was just porn and me on there, pretty much. Then I started to find confidence in my style.

‘It gave me a feeling I’d never had before at the end of the year when I’d finished. I was like: “What’s this?” And it was accomplishment and confidence. I was 41, and it was the first time in my whole life I felt confident, which just blew my mind.’

After a move to America for her husband’s work, when Lou’s 20-year marriage came to an end, she found herself getting horny again for the first time

‘We very much have different journeys,’ she says of the split. ‘When we arrived in America, I found myself and my stride with middle age, and was embracing the menopause. But he was really struggling with American corporate culture. And we really, really lost our way.

‘It wasn’t anything dreadful that happened. It was just I was like: “Hang on a minute. I seem to have been putting everyone else first for the last 20 years. And what about me?” So when I started asking that, there didn’t seem to be room for me in that setup.’

She adds that, while their marriage was ‘so ace in so many ways’, sex fell a bit by the wayside in their relationship.

‘[Sex] was such a huge part of my life before I met him,’ Lou says. ‘I thought: “Oh, maybe I used up all my sex.”

After she posted about these feelings of hers online, a vibrator company reached out to her and asked if she wanted to test some of their products.

‘This was the first time I felt really sexually empowered and liberated for myself,’ she says, ‘and not for somebody else.’

Now, she uses these experiences to help other people, and starts by recommending people get to know their bodies on their own terms.

‘Time is so precious, right?’ she says. ‘It’s very rare, sometimes, to even make time for yourself. So before you even start looking at yourself in the mirror, or thinking about vibrators, I would make sure you’ve got some fitness in your life.

‘It’s so important knowing your body. And through fitness, you understand how your body works, so then when the menopause starts kicking in, you know what’s happening, and you can listen to your body because you understand it more.’

When it comes to getting back in touch with the sexy side of your body, Lou recommends giving it a good look.

‘Take your clothes off,’ she instructs, ‘look at your body. Take some sexy pictures of yourself in sexy for yourself, not for anybody else. This is not about anybody else.

‘Have a date with yourself. Put the candles on. It sounds ludicrous, but put the tunes on and have a good dance around the kitchen in nothing but your knickers. Send everyone out, close the curtains, but just let go.

‘Literally dance like nobody’s watching.’

And if you’re nervous about vibrators, Lou recommends going with a clit-sucking toy instead of something that penetrates.

You might be sceptical that masturbation is all that important for people going through menopause, but Lou says she’s experienced first-hand how much that kind of self-care can help.

‘I know everybody’s menopause is different,’ she says, ‘but feeling sexy, valuing myself, and having the confidence in myself helped me tackle all the other stuff.’

Lou also really recommends journaling as well as ‘finding gratitude’ and writing these things you’re happy about down.

‘And I am a big fan of forgiveness,’ she adds, ‘but it’s got to start with yourself as well. If you’re doing something sh**ty own it. Look at yourself.’

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

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The rumours are true– Maya Jama and Stormzy are back on.

After weeks of speculation, the high-profile couple have confirmed they’re back together by making it Instagram official, with Stormzy joking that he’s ‘Maya’s number one fan’ in a cute Insta story this weekend.

The couple were together for four years before splitting up in 2019 amid rumours that the rapper, real name Michael Ebenazer Kwadjo Omari Owuo Jr, cheated on her.

While the news has gone down well with fans who said ‘the earth is healing’, you might be wondering if it’s worth chatting to your ex again, but hold fire for now.

Many took to social media to point out Maya didn’t take Stormzy back with open arms straight away and took time to heal before coming back together.

During their four-year break, Stormzy also released songs referencing his relationship with the TV presenter and lamented the break-up, saying he still wanted to marry her.

So if you are also considering rekindling an old romance, be like Maya Jama and figure out whether enough time and penance has passed.

We also spoke to Dr Becky Spelman, psychologist and founder at Private Therapy Clinic who shared some tips on reunification.

‘Deciding whether you should rekindle a past romance is a deeply personal and subjective decision,’ she tells Metro.co.uk. 

‘It is advisable to have open and honest conversations with your partner and to seek the guidance of trusted friends, family members, and, if needed, a professional therapist, to help navigate the decision-making process. 

‘While there are no definitive signs that universally apply to everyone, there are some things to consider when contemplating reigniting a past relationship.’

She said these are considering whether you and your partner have compatible values, goals, and aspirations. ‘It is important to have common ground and a shared vision for the future to ensure a strong foundation for the relationship.’ 

She added: ‘Both individuals should express a genuine desire to reconnect and invest in the relationship going forward. It is important to ensure that both of you are on the same page and willing to put in the necessary effort to make the relationship work.’

Some things to think about.

Do you have a story you want to share? Email MetroLifestyleTeam@metro.co.uk to tell us more.  

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Devoting every waking second to one person doesn’t sound like the healthiest relationship dynamic, but it seems to work for these two.

Laura Kurston, 42, and her partner Nathan, 38, have been married for 13 years – living and working together for even longer – running a luxury vacation business together.

And the proudly co-dependent couple have an unusual way of communicating in public using a whistle.

Laura, from Dorset, understands their set-up may seem strange but believes their constant contact is the key to a happy marriage.

However, they met when they were both in other relationships, and decided to get together themselves – so it’s never been a conventional set-up.

‘My boyfriend and his girlfriend knew each other so we went on a ski holiday together in Austria,’ Laura said.

‘We weren’t looking to split up with our partners but I knew my boyfriend wasn’t who I would be with for the rest of my life. I was always looking for adventure, which wasn’t his thing at all.

‘I saw the adventure in Nathan’s personality and was attracted to him from the beginning.’

Once single, the pair met at a pub and decided to go on a date and they’ve been together ever since.

Laura said: ‘It was all very exciting. On our first date we went to the Southampton Boat Show and we decided to work on yachts together.

‘After two years we got married and we’ve been together 24 hours a day ever since.’

Sharing a small space as their office, bedroom, and living quarters, the duo are face-to-face all the time – which has its challenges.

Laura said: ‘It’s intense and a challenge of the mind [to spend that much time with your partner] but it’s great to know you have somebody to communicate with.

‘We do find it claustrophobic [sometimes]. If I’m upset, I have to take myself away.

‘Sometimes I need to be in the other [end] of the house from Nathan as I need to breathe.

‘Nathan and I are lucky that we have the relationship we do where we can be with each other this much and aren’t at each other’s throats.

‘We have a really good friendship as well as a marriage.’

In public, they use a whistle to communicate. It’s not exactly the romantic knowing looks couples can discreetly share when in company.

Laura said: ‘We use a whistle to contact each other. It’s from our days working on yachts and it’s brilliant; it’s non-invasive and it means I need Nathan immediately.

‘People think it’s a bit odd, like calling a dog, but it doesn’t interrupt conversations. It works anywhere, we even use it in the supermarket.’

They believe communication is ‘key’, as is having fun.

Ironically, Laura recommends ‘making sure you have time for yourself’ to other couples, which doesn’t seem to fit her personal ethos.

‘We have a lot of fun together and a great sense of humour,’ she added. ‘It helps to maintain a good relationship in our love life and our friendship.’

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When you’re carefree with the sand between your toes, a holiday romance can feel amazing – but the spark usually burns out once you get back on home soil.

That’s certainly what this reader was hoping for when her recently separated dad told her that he’d met a much younger woman in Thailand.

Only, her dad insists he’s in love – and now, he’s bringing his girlfriend to the UK, and moving her into the family home.

The reader and her siblings are worried, but are they being unfair? Could this really be love?

Before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, where a woman was having an affair with her boss – but he wouldn’t leave his wife.

The problem…

My parents separated six years ago, when my mum went off with Dad’s mate. He took it very badly and it was a terrible time for all of us, as we had all known this guy for years.

Dad was persuaded to go on holiday to Thailand with some of his buddies, and at first me and my two brothers all supported the idea, as we thought it would do him good.

I guess we shouldn’t have been surprised when he came back and excitedly told us about this much younger woman he had met there. Dad isn’t the womanising type, and if I’m honest he’s not the best looking, so we presumed it was just a holiday fling and he would soon forget her.

However, he had other ideas as he Facetimes her most evenings and has been out to see her several times since.

She has never been to this country, but he now says he intends to marry her and bring her here. We’ve never even met or spoken to her, and the idea that he is suddenly going to bring someone twenty years younger than him, to live with us, is horrific.

My two brothers are still in education, and I have only just got my first job, so no one is in a position to leave home.

What if she only wants a passport to this country, or is secretly after his money? I know it sounds terrible, but now we’re worried about our inheritance.

Laura says…

It’s often difficult to navigate the situation when a parent gets a new partner, but this one sounds trickier than most. I asked our family expert, Dr Hari Rudkin, for her views.

‘Unfortunately, there are a lot of stereotypes surrounding Thai women and British men.’ she says. ‘When you add in the age gap, it’s no wonder the situation feels uncomfortable for you and your brothers.’ 

But Dr Rudkin thinks you should also consider your dad’s happiness. ‘He has suffered a lot of heartbreak and betrayal, so if he’s now feeling excited and in love, then good for him.’ she says. ‘The problems only start if he makes significant decisions early on, as people’s thinking changes when they’re first in love, and they become less rational and reasonable.’

You need to show your dad love and support, and within that you can advise him not to rush things.

‘Maybe you could all go out to Thailand and meet the new girlfriend, or perhaps she could come here on holiday.’ Dr Rudkin suggests. ‘Don’t form an opinion of her until you have met.’

It’s human nature to feel the way you do, but don’t rush to judgement. Maintain a good relationship with your father and respect his need for love and happiness.

Dr Rudkin adds: ‘Your dad needs children who are thinking about his wellbeing rather than what they might get on his death. If he knows you’re there for him whatever happens, he is more likely to pay attention to your views.’

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk

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A therapist has shared four reasons why a situationship breakup may feel more painful than the end of long-term relationship.

Stina Sanders shared her thoughts on TikTok, stating that there’s a genuine psychological reason why the end of a short term fling can be so hard.

The first is that your brain has to catch up with reality.

She said: ‘[Cognitive dissonance] is when your beliefs don’t align with our actions and in turn this causes psychological discomfort.

‘So in a short term relationship the dissonance is the initial optimism of “yay this person could be the one” to the reality of the quick-ending breakup.’ 

Essentially, your brain still believes that your feelings about your situationship being The One are real, which is why it’s so uncomfortable to have to accept that you’re wrong. 

Next is the fact that shorter relationships are often much more intense than long-term relationships.

Stina said: ‘[This is] because we’re still in the honeymoon period.

‘Which is why when a short-term relationship ends we get left with this sense of unfinished business or feelings of “what if?” and curiosity of what might have been.’

On top of that, she said, when a short-term relationship ends, we often don’t get the same closure as we would in a longer relationship.

She added: ‘Again, this leaves us with unanswered questions and a sense of ambiguity.’

Finally, Stina noted, there’s a societal pressure to treat short-term relationships and situationships as less serious than long-term relationships, but this isn’t always the case.

She said: ‘This actually invalidates our real, strong feelings of pain and emotions about the relationship, which is probably why you have really intense feelings of loneliness.’

How to get over your situationship

In her next video, Stina shared her three tips for getting over a heartbreak.

They included going no contact – including no social media stalking and deleting old photos and videos of them off your phone. 

This is because, Stina explained, ‘visual reminders create dopamine surges which lead to feelings of craving and withdrawal,’ prolonging the heartbreak. 

She also suggests using ‘replacement therapy’ to get the dopamine and oxytocin you would have gotten from your ex from healthier places, including exercise, hobbies, friends or even dating apps.

Finally, she suggests writing your ex a letter without actually sending it to them, and then write up your own version of their response.

‘This might sound really weird, but actually replying to your letter as them is really cathartic and might even give you the closure that you need.’

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Becoming a parent can force your priorities to shift, but one dad-to-be seems pretty reluctant to accommodate one of his girlfriend’s expectations.

And, while we can see both sides, the majority of people think perhaps he should be a little more understanding of the wishes of the mother of his child.

The dad-to-be took to Reddit to share his frustration. He wrote: ‘So me and my girlfriend have been trying to have a kid and we have been successful and she’s currently two months pregnant.

‘We were just hanging out and the she told me that she expected me to sell my motorcycle soon cause it was just too dangerous of a hobby to have as a soon to be dad.’

It’s safe to say that he wasn’t too impressed with his girlfriend’s expectations.

‘I told her I wasn’t going to do that since I’ve been riding for the past 10 years and have been perfectly fine and she’s just over reacting,’ he wrote.

‘She told me that this was something she wasn’t going to budge on and that I had to do it.

‘I told her that it wasn’t her choice to make and I wasn’t going to give up my hobbies just because I was about to become a dad. She should have brought this up back when we decided to start trying for a kid.’

While people understood where he was coming from, they also saw his girlfriend’s side too, with plenty suggesting that he should ‘cave’ to her request anyway.

One wrote: ‘I would still cave and sell it if I were you. I was in the same boat with my wife.

‘She is an emergency nurse and she gets the remains of motorcycle accidents almost daily. I say remains because there’s not much left.

‘I had all the same excuses you do but I learned that everyone of them was pushing my own selfish agenda.

‘When I looked at it I knew seven people that had died or had permanent damage from a motorcycle accident. Everyone I know has similar numbers.

‘I’ve been riding motor cycles without an accident for 20 years. While I am an amazing driver, you can’t claim that for everyone. Eventually someone will be a dumb**s.

‘It’s a little different if you’re in a car or truck. They are better designed to keep you safe. A motorcycle has none of the bells and whistles. If you get into an accident it is much more severe.’

Another agreed, saying: ‘I mean, yes she should have known to clear this up when you were both trying for a pregnancy but I also would be terrified of becoming a widow single parent if my partner rode a motorcycle, so I can empathise with her.

‘All I ever hear from my hospital friends is how often they see these accidents and how horrific they are. Good luck!’

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Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week, we hear from a dominatrix, who goes by the name Countess Diamond, a 35-year-old married mum from Bristol.

The Countess, who is heterosexual, says: ‘My husband and I are playful when it comes to sex. He’s always horny, and I love to let him know I’m teasing him.

‘We’re open with each other about our fantasies and desires, and both of us would love to have a three or foursome.

‘We’re always pointing out strangers that the other would enjoy f**king. There’s no jealousy here, which is great.’

Despite being a dominatrix, the Countess says their ‘dynamic in the bedroom isn’t heavily sub/domme’.

She claims that their sex life has become ‘surprisingly vanilla’ due to ‘having kids and having less time to play in privacy’. But she also adds that she enjoys when her husband wears a chastity cage…

Without any further ado, here’s how the Countess and her husband got on this week.

Warning: The following is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Monday

We both wake up early and roll over to cuddle. He’s hard, and I use my hand to make him harder, he’s not climaxed since Saturday. To tease him some more I give him a blow job but make sure to stop before he comes, promising him more later.

I’ve got a busy day ahead so get up for the gym before work. He loves me wearing gym wear and I make sure he gets a good look at my bum.

The day runs away with us though, and we’re both exhausted by the time we’re in bed.

Tuesday

The house is up early, so he gets up and deals with the family while I shower.

I intentionally leave the bathroom door open when I shower. I know he will enjoy a peek as he brings me a coffee, and I make a quip about him being a good boy.

During the day I have content to shoot, which means wearing lingerie, stockings and heels around the house. The lingerie is a painfully expensive set bought for me by a client. It fits well and makes me feel really confident.

My husband comments that it’s a nice set, and combined with the stockings it makes my bum look great. I suggest I could continue yesterday’s blow job while wearing it, but joke that he’s not been good enough for this kind of reward yet. 

Wednesday

I know my husband is starting to get desperate for some relief, and truthfully I am too. I stay in bed for a solo orgasm with my vibrator.

Some new vibrating and pulsing cock toys also arrive in the mail later, and I joke that he might finally be allowed to come today. 

I tried out the toys this evening, and we finally had some great sex after all the teasing. 

Thursday

A personal emergency meant we didn’t have a moment alone today, and even if we had, I wouldn’t have been able to focus.

Sometimes life gets in the way of life.

Friday

The personal problem spilled into today too, unfortunately.

I would say my relationship with sex is very much a feast or a famine. That’s partly due to the flux of my work and home life.

Sometimes I’m up for doing it three or four times a night, but then if work gets busy, or I’m travelling or stressed, there could be nothing for ages.

Saturday

We snuck a quick one in before anyone was up. We’re catching a flight today, so it was a brief moment of intimacy before we needed to go into logistics mode and get us all to the airport and on a plane in one piece.

It’s easy to fall out when it comes to travel, so a moment of connection really helps us to sync up for the day.

Sunday

Today, we were settling into our holiday accommodation.

The bed is very squeaky and the weather is really hot, so we ended up in the shower together.

It has a ledge that he can sit on, and I can climb on top of him, which ended up being very, very hot…

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A 47-year-old woman proved age really is just a number after she fell in love with her friend’s nephew, who is three years younger than her own son.

The 19-year age gap didn’t phase couple Deanna and Steven Boomer, even though they met when Steven was a teenager – he was 19 and she was 38.

In fact, eight years on, the pair have celebrated their 7th wedding anniversary and have a four-year-old child together.

Steven, now 27, is stepdad to Deanna’s four other children who are 13, 17, 25 and 31-years-old, but it wasn’t always smooth sailing for the couple.

They got negative backlash from friends and family because of their difference in age, particularly because Deanna is older than Steven’s mum, but they have now shown people they are the perfect match.

Steven said: ‘The beginning of the relationship was the hardest but now it’s much easier, as the people who see us for who we are know we’re meant to be together.’

Deanna met the man of her dreams through being close friends with his auntie and started hanging out with him at the car club at his high school.

The mother-of-five would take her Jeep to Steven’s car club and take him and his friends off-roading whilst getting to know the 19-year-old at the time.

Steven added: ‘Me and my friends all had a car club in high school, and Deanna had a jeep and so she would always come to our meetups and stuff and then we’d all go off-roading.

‘Then one day, she just kind of hit me up and asked if we wanted to go to the bar and hang out and that’s where it led.’

Deanna was a stay-at-home mum at the time and was going through a divorce from her ex-husband of 22 years due to a relationship breakdown.

Deanna had moved into an apartment with her four children and asked her now-husband to move in with her to help with the rent.

As the couple made their relationship official to family and friends, Deanna received support from friends and family but Steven struggled to maintain his friendships through the beginning of his relationship with Deanna.

She said: ‘My friends didn’t really care, in fact, one of my friends was also talking to him before me, so she couldn’t really say anything, but they could see how happy I was, whereas Steven’s family were more annoyed.’

Steven, who works as a plumber, added: ‘My mother didn’t like it very much. Deanna is just a few months older than her, so she found that a little strange.

‘I had comments from my family saying that I was just a kid, and I wouldn’t understand what it was like to raise a whole family as obviously, Deanna had kids before me – one being older than me – but that doesn’t matter now as I have a great relationship with them all.’

Steven added: ‘I also lost a lot of friends from it just because they were all young at the time too, so they wanted to go out have fun, party, and enjoy themselves.

‘Now, they have all settled down and had kids of their own, they’re starting to see what it is like, and my family are now starting to accept the relationship and I have developed a great relationship with Deanna’s children.’

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‘We put everything on social media these days,’ says Gemma Mullin, 31. ‘So why would your wedding – the best day of your life – be any different?’

The mum-of-one from Essex is a wedding content creator, or as she explains it, ‘the bride’s personal paparazzi.’

‘I’m there to take behind the scenes content, specifically designed to go on Instagram and TikTok.

‘It’s not about formal ‘stand and pose’ photos. These are fun viral trend videos and behind the scenes candid content, that couples can upload within hours of getting married,’ she says.

From champagne towers to live illustrators and day-after pool parties, TikTok has a lot to answer for when it comes to how we throw a wedding in 2023.

Brides and grooms now want content that they can post on social media, almost as it happens – rather than waiting weeks, if not months, for their professional photos and video to arrive. Think TikTok ‘transition’ videos, dances and lip syncing to popular songs and a 60-second highlight reel of the big day.

Gemma, who runs The Wedit, and is also a freelance journalist, heard about wedding content creators after her sister got engaged, and thought she’d give it a go.

She says: ‘The more I learnt about them, the more I thought, “I could do this”. I’d just had a baby, so I could make it work around being a new mum. All I needed was a phone.’

Gemma offers different packages. Her cheapest, ‘Basic AF’ package includes four hours of coverage for £300, and includes two edited reels or TikToks, as well as all the raw footage and pictures she takes on the day.

While her top of the range ‘All Out Influencer’ package includes 10 hours of coverage for £720. This includes five edited reels or TikToks, plus a highlight reel of the day.

‘My most common request is for bridal transition videos,’ says Gemma. ‘You’ll have the bridal party in their pjs, and then with some camera trickery, it cuts to them in their gowns looking fabulous.

‘Another popular one is giving everyone heart shaped sunglasses with the wedding date written on to wear and pose in. Almost every guest gets involved – even the older generations who aren’t quite sure what I’m all about!’

Gemma says that working weddings themselves can be stressful. ‘I’m constantly on the go,’ she says. ‘I have to advise the bride to allow for extra time, and liaise with the photographer too to make sure we can all get everything we need.

‘I always have to keep an ear to the ground – I have to know what’s trending online, and how I can make it work in a wedding context.’

The delicate balance between photographer and videographer, and the new content creators, is something that is raising eyebrows amongst wedding industry experts.

Georgie Davis is a wedding planner based in Essex, and founder of Georgina Rose Events. She says she first heard of couples enquiring about content creators back in December 2022 – but they haven’t been totally embraced by the industry.

‘It’s a bit of a grey area,’ she says. ‘I worked one wedding recently where things got a bit tense between the photographer and content creator.

‘From the photographer’s view, they’d set up the shot, got the lighting and poses perfectly, and then the content creator was standing in the background with their iPhone and taking a photo.

‘The content creator sends the images to the bride and groom first, and takes all the credit.

‘There’s an element of the photographer being a trained individual with years of experience, and someone new is walking in who hasn’t paid their dues.’

But, even with that in mind, Georgie, who got married last year, says she can see the appeal of a content creator.

She says: ‘If I got married now, I’d have one. It’s one less job for a bridesmaid, and it’s a bit of fun – some of the content they capture is fantastic too.’

Erin McBride is another wedding content creator from Glasgow. Like Gemma, she launched her business after someone close to her got married.

She says: ‘I have an interiors account on Instagram with about 40,000 followers, so when my friend got married in July this year, she asked if I could be in charge of taking pictures and videos for her Instagram. I realised it was something I could try and do as a business.’

With an already healthy following online, Erin posted about her new business, Your Day Unplugged, and was inundated with enquiries.

She says: ‘I’ve already got 50 bookings for next year, and into 2025. I offer various packages: a three hour morning package is £150, for half day I charge £300, and a full day, which is 10 hours, is £500. So it’s about £50 per hour.

‘But it’s not just pointing and pressing record. There’s a lot of work and creativity that goes into it, and it takes about three to four hours the next day to edit everything together.’

Both Gemma and Erin were clear to point out that their clients are not influencers with huge followings online.

Fatima Chapman, 42, married her husband, Jason, in August this year. She hired Gemma after her budget didn’t allow for a videographer.

She says: ‘I’m on social media, but I’m more of an observer – I’m not generous with my likes! I love following celebs like Victoria Beckham and Naomi Campbell, or comedy accounts. For me, social media is just a bit of fun.’

Fatima says that while she might not be the typical Gen Z you might imagine would get a content creator, it worked for her.

‘When I told my now step-daughters, who are 18 and 21, that we’d hired a creator, they thought it was so cool!

‘I’ve never made this kind of content before, but I loved it. The best thing is that the videos are so easy to share. You can quickly send them to friends or family, and when I got back to work after the wedding, I could show my colleagues the highlight reel. No one wants to sit and watch a long, boring video.’

So while it looks like content creators could soon become the norm at weddings, what does this say about our relationship with social media?

Latasha Blackmond is a communications and social media expert, and author of Be You, No Filter: How to Love Yourself and Stay #SocialMediaStrong. She says we don’t have look at this role quite so critically.

‘Of course, people are doing this for likes,’ she says, ‘but it’s interesting that the people that are hiring these content creators are not influencers, they just want bite size vignettes of their special day. We must understand they serve a purpose: content creators are capturing certain angle and transitions that others aren’t.’

But Latasha says we can’t pretend there isn’t an element of showing off. ‘Behind the veil, it is to show the perfect picture to our friends and family to compare. 

‘In social media we are in a constant state of comparison, you can be whoever you want to be and on Instagram and TikTok, that’s even more heightened.’

She says it’s important that everyone – not just brides and grooms-are aware of this. ‘Comparison can rob us of our true unique value,’ she warns. ‘You must be able to separate real and online life.’

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‘I’m not celibate by choice – I [just] can’t find the right guy,’ said Swedish model Amber ‘Sweetheart’ Johanssen.

In fact, the 37-year-old model hasn’t been on a date or had sex in two years and believes that men are ‘too scared’ to approach her.

She’s getting plenty of attention from her fans online, but when it comes to her dating life, she thinks her influencer job (she has 500,000 followers on instagram) is putting potential suitors off.

Amber said: ‘I haven’t been on a date or had sex in two years. My sex drive is still going strong… I masturbate daily.

‘My job hinders my love life and sex life, with most guys scared to approach me.

‘Last time I tried to organise a date, the guy cancelled on me last minute. I honestly think he was intimidated by my success and beauty.’

The model even recalled some pretty harsh words from men she’s considered dating.

She said: ‘Men have told me that they don’t take me seriously and that they would be embarrassed by being with me.

‘I’ve tried dating apps, but guys seem to think it’s a fake catfish account or they find my sexy content online before the date, and it makes it very awkward.

‘I feel like they are more interested in bedding me than actually getting to know who I am.’

Despite her bad luck, Amber hopes to find love soon and is putting herself out there frequently.

Amber has decided she’s looking for a British partner, because she believes that Swedish men aren’t ‘chivalrous’ enough and are tight with their money.

We’d say that’s a bit of a generalisation, but the model seems to know what she wants.

She said: ‘I am looking for someone with intelligence, kindness, good manners, and someone who isn’t cheap. My biggest issue with Swedish men is the lack of chivalry.

‘Unfortunately, in my home country, guys want to share the bill 50/50 and I hate that, especially on the first date.

‘I don’t mind paying for myself or a date, but it’s the principle. I love British men! I love their accent and cheeky ways.’

Amber said her dating and sex life was far better before she was a model, and she’s taken to Instagram to share her dating woes with her followers.

The response was overwhelmingly positive, with no shortage of men willing to banish her dating troubles for good.

‘Yes I would love to wine and dine you,’ said one fan, while another wrote: ‘No questions asked mamacita!’

A third person said: ‘You don’t have to ask me twice. Hell yes,’ and someone else added: ‘Don’t need to ask Amber.’

But the model hasn’t accepted the offers, saying it is ‘difficult’ to date someone she meets online as these people often have ‘preconceived ideas’ about her.

‘At the moment, I have resigned myself to the fact that it might be difficult to find a man because of my job,’ Amber added.

‘But I would love to find a ‘normal’ man who accepts me for who I am. I won’t stop looking for Mr Right.’

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The issue of consent – or rather the practice of Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) – is the subject up for discussion on this week’s episode of Metro’s sex and relationships podcast Smut Drop. 

The term is used when partners actively engage in sexual activity that demonstrates an extreme element of force. However, as host Miranda Kane finds out, it’s not as simple as rough sex – it goes even further. 

It can even incorporate certain scenarios – such as ‘kidnapping’ – to add to the intensity. 

While studies have found the ‘rape fantasy’ can be a sexual desire among both men and women, in America, research is underway to see if it can even be used to heal trauma for sexual abuse survivors.

Discussing the issue with Miranda on the podcast is Dr Lori Beth Bisbey –  a sex therapist, intimacy coach and psychologist, not to mention expert on Channel 4’s Open House: The Great Sex Experiment – and together the pair tackle some of the questions surrounding the somewhat taboo subject of CNC.

What is Consensual Non-Consent (CNC)?

In the episode, Dr Lori tells Miranda: ‘CNC is so controversial because you’re giving up – in theory – the ability to withdraw your consent. That’s in theory. Because in reality you never give up your ability to withdraw your consent.

‘The reason some people use CNC is because they don’t want a ‘fluffy’ fantasy experience. They want the feeling of being out of control – as opposed to knowing how much control they have.

‘Rape is about anger, control and sometimes power. You’re saying “This is what I want, I want the experience of what it would feel like to be raped by a stranger or having somebody come upon me in this certain circumstance. I want it rough, I want it humiliating”.’

However, Dr Lori stresses that unlike in real life scenarios of rape, the difference with CNC is that ‘you can negotiate all of this with someone.’

She adds that CNC works best with a trusted partner. If you’re trying it out with someone new, Dr Lori says to meet them in person first.

‘I advise people not to do this with a stranger,’ she tells Miranda.

‘Trust your gut, use intuition and take your time. Ask potential partners if there’s someone you can talk to [who they’ve done CNC with] before. 

‘Go out in the vanilla world and see how your potential partner treats wait staff and servers. They need to keep your emotional wellbeing at the top of their mind, can they do that easily with others?’

Can a rape survivor use CNC to heal?

Research is still ongoing into ‘rape fantasies’ and their impact on people within the extreme kink community, particularly survivors of sexual abuse.

For Dr Lori, she has issued a strong word of warning to those seeking solace in CNC for the first time.

‘There are key things we need to be clear about,’ the expert says. 

‘If you’re a survivor who hasn’t had therapy and still gets triggered by your rape then you should not be doing this. A lot of people will say “oh, it can be really healing”. Which is true.

‘But that’s only possible when it’s done in a controlled way with your mental health looked after. You should always talk about triggers and be very clear and talk about the trauma, that’s part of the negotiation.

‘There’s some research going on in California where there are some dominants (tops) that work with therapists to help rape victims reenact their experiences. 

‘The tops deal with the physical reenactment part and the therapist is on hand before for preparation and afterward for dealing with the emotional part of it. It works really well for some people.’

Instead, seeking support from a registered charity such as Rape Crisis or The Survivor’s Trust may be a better course of action if you’re still triggered by your assault.

How do you stay safe during CNC?

According to Dr Lori, you should set out ‘bottom lines’ and plan safe words despite the uncontrolled nature of CNC. The perceived lack of consent demonstrated during this extreme form of rough sex is purely an act, and both parties need to be clear of that.

When in doubt, Dr Lori adds the handy acronym PRICK is always on hand. It stands for Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink.

PRICK surrounds the idea that as long as you take personal responsibility for yourself and you’re informed, you can truly consent to extreme – or seemingly dark – kinks.

She adds: ‘You can mediate the risk [of any extreme sex act] and you have a right to choose to do something that’s dangerous. I’m not going to judge you for that or for what turns you on. But I will judge you if you don’t do your due diligence. 

‘Make clear things you want to do and don’t want to do. Aftercare is also important in supporting each other and caring for each other.’

Dr Lori compares CNC and other forms of extreme rough sex – such as choking or breath play – to skydiving.

‘You can be prepared and take precautions, but there will always be an unavoidable element of danger.’

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Kirsten.Robertson@metro.co.uk 

Share your views in the comments below.

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Whether it’s Tinder, Hinge, Her or Feeld, you’ve probably got some horror dating-app stories in your back pocket.

But every once in a while sparks fly and, before you know it, you’re saying ‘I do’.

And while dating apps are now one of the most popular ways for people to meet The One, new research suggests they don’t always make for a happily ever after.

A study from from Arizona State University found that couples who meet on dating apps are unhappier in their marriages than people who meet in the real world. 

Researchers surveyed 923 couples, who were asked about how satisfied they were in the marriage, and how stable it was. About half of those couples had met on dating apps, while the other half had met in ‘real life’ – for example, at university or work.

They were then asked a series of questions, including: ‘how well does your spouse meet your needs?’, and ‘have you or your spouse ever seriously suggested the idea of divorce?’

Those that had met online reported lower marriage satisfaction and stability.

While the reasons behind this aren’t completely clear, the lead author of the study, Liesel Sharabi, suggests it could be linked to the judgement online couples still face from the way they met.

She said: ‘Our research reveals it’s the stigma surrounding their relationship that puts online couples under stress – they tend to face higher levels of societal marginalisation, either because they are more likely to be an interracial or a same-sex couple, or because they feel judged for meeting their spouse online.’

However, it’s not all doom and gloom. Liesel added: ‘Being aware of these obstacles may allow online couples to have a longer, stable and happy future together.’

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Asking For A Friend is the series where we answer the questions you don’t want to ask.

When you think of orgasms, what do you picture? Toes curling, legs shaking, low, raspy moans?

That’s certainly how they’re portrayed in the media – especially female orgasms, which are almost always depicted with little concern for reality. 

While, yes, some women do experience those earth-shattering, blockbuster-worthy orgasms, many don’t – and even those who do don’t experience them every time. 

But no one orgasm is the same, and you can have a different experience depending on the type of stimulation, as well as the strength of your mind-body connection.

Last year, researchers from Charles University in Prague studied a group of women to classify the different types of female orgasm: wave, volcano or avalanche, all of which vary in intensity.

According to Gigi Engle ACS, a certified sex educator and lead intimacy expert at 3Fun, an orgasm is ‘the release of sexual tension at the height of sexual response’.

What that means, she tells Metro.co.uk, is that you’re building up tension, and then you release it – ‘for some people, that’s going to be a really intense, pleasurable experience, and for other people, it could be like a sneeze.’ 

She continues: ‘The way the media depicts orgasms creates a really unrealistic expectation that’s rather theatrical and prioritises performative sexuality over lived experience.

‘It just creates a sense of insecurity for people who are experiencing orgasm in this way.’

That being said, if you’re after a more intense orgasm, there are some things you can try. 

How to have a more intense orgasm

Stop judging your orgasms

As Gigi says, judging your orgasms based on an unrealistic standard is a disservice to yourself. 

‘No one is benefiting from that,’ she says.

‘The only thing that’s doing is wrecking your self-esteem, and I think when we can understand that orgasms are not like they look in the movies most of the time, we can begin to let go of that judgement.

Follow the pleasure

Paradoxically, says Gigi, the key to having a more intense orgasm is to stop worrying so much about how, when or whether you’re going to have one at all.

It all comes down to that mind-body connection: ‘When you’re focusing on having an orgasm, you’re ignoring what you’re actually feeling and concentrating on the goal, rather than the journey,’ says Gigi. ‘You just can’t be present with your body with what kind of mindset.’

Instead, Gigi says you should ‘follow the pleasure’ — focus on what makes you feel good and do more of it, whether it’s going to lead you to an orgasm or not. 

Try different things

‘Following the pleasure’ also requires a level of curiosity and experimentation. 

What is going to give one person the most mind-blowing orgasm of their life won’t do it for another, so it’s about finding what works for you.

It could be nipple play, clitoral stimulation, or a combination of both clitorial and G-spot and clitoral combination — but you won’t know unless you try.

And the benefit of trying new things is that there’s a knock on effect.

‘The more you engage with masturbation in an embodied and centred way, following the pleasure rather than trying to achieve these different orgasms, you start to become more attuned with your body,’ says Gigi.

‘And I think that in turn, can lead to stronger orgasms because you’re again strengthening that mind-body connection.’

Take time to build tension

According to the Masters and Johnson model, there are four stages to the human response cycle: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution.

‘The plateau phase is when you’re doing all the stuff that happens before an orgasm,’ says Gigi, ‘and the longer you can sustain the plateau phase, building it and building it and building it, the more tension you’re building in your body, and the bigger your orgasm will be – theoretically.’

So take time to build up tension – carving out a good amount of time for masturbation or sex. 

Stop rushing. 

Talk to a sex therapist

Finally, if you’re really having trouble with letting go of the shame and judgement around your orgasms, you can always talk to a psychosexual therapist.

‘That can be a really validating experience, because I think so much of what we experience with our shame around sex is stuff that we think we’re experiencing alone, and that nobody else feels this way, but actually, it’s a lot more common than anything,’ says Gigi.

Do you have a story to share?

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‘Sorry, I don’t use it and I don’t want to waste any more time chatting about this.’

That was the response I got from a recent sexual partner after I asked whether he was on PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) – a drug that is highly effective at stopping you getting HIV from sex.

I take it every day and I like anyone I’m with to take it too, but I was already in the Uber on the way to his place.

As the conversation about our sexual health progressed, it was clear that he was very ignorant and dismissive of PrEP – like it was a waste of time – and he even said it was ‘pointless’ talking about it because he just wanted to get laid.

Even though I was annoyed, I still went ahead with the hook-up, but my excitement had worn off. I just didn’t enjoy the whole thing because it felt like he didn’t care about his health.

This encounter is why – as a Black gay man – I believe more people need to be aware of the benefits of this life-changing drug, especially queer men within my community.

I’m half-Nigerian and half-Jamaican, but I was born in London. I’ve always been quite open about my sexuality.

As a result, I have partaken in a really special campaign with the HIV and sexual health charity Terrence Higgins Trust and HIV Prevention England called ‘It Starts With Me’, which encourages Black queer men to test regularly. I was very proud to be a part of it.

Alongside this, practising safe sex has always been really important to me. I use condoms, as well as test regularly to make sure I am protecting my sexual health.

I first heard about PrEP from some gay friends when I was in my 20s a few years ago. Immediately, it sounded like a great idea and such an amazing achievement in science.

I didn’t start taking it until 2018 though, as I wasn’t sure if it was right for me.

So initially, I took it ‘event-based’, which means you take two tablets – between two and 24 hours – before you have sex, then one tablet every 24 hours until you’ve had two sex-free days.

But sometimes I relied on other people to supply me with PrEP if I didn’t have any. So after a while, it generally became equated with stress, which affected my mental well-being and relationship with sex.

Over time, I have found what works for me and this is taking daily PrEP. This is because I spoke to my local sexual health clinic and they suggested this change as I have a very busy social lifestyle and can be forgetful. As a result, I try to test every three months.

To remind me to take it, I also have an app that alerts me – in case I forget, an alarm sounds. Since doing it this way, I feel fully prepared for any potential sexual encounters and there is zero stress on me.

Black History Month

October marks Black History Month, which reflects on the achievements, cultures and contributions of Black people in the UK and across the globe, as well as educating others about the diverse history of those from African and Caribbean descent.

For more information about the events and celebrations that are taking place this year, visit the official Black History Month website.

This has been a complete life-changer for me because it’s silenced my anxiety around HIV.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s important that we both take our sexual health seriously and protect ourselves. PrEP gives me confidence in what we’re doing and lets me just enjoy sex.

Not everyone shares this sentiment though.

Especially in the Black queer community, it seems that some are too scared to come into the light – even risking their sexual health just to try and stay anonymous.

The reasons for this can be complicated, but some ‘down low’ (or DL) men I’ve spoken to on dating apps are nervous that it could somehow come back to their friends or family, who they’re not ‘out’ to.

For the last few weeks, I have been talking to a guy on an app who is extremely anxious about protecting his identity. As a result, all his body pics have the head cut off and his face pictures are sent as ‘disappearing’ head shots.

This is in case, somehow, someone may find out that he has been using a gay app. He even talks to me on a burner phone.

When I broached the subject of PrEP, he told me he was not interested in it because he still lives at home and was worried that the hospital or clinic might send correspondence using his house phone or by letter and that his parents would see it.

I tried to assure him that, in the copious years I have been taking PrEP, clinicians are always extremely discreet and only contact people via text message – unless directed otherwise. In fact, if you are concerned about being ‘outed’, they can take any steps required to protect your anonymity.

But his fear was just too high. This is something I battle with on a habitual basis when speaking to Black men on dating or hook-up apps.

Unfortunately, Black gay and bisexual men in the UK are disproportionately more likely to be diagnosed with HIV than white men. In fact, according to a 2017 report, there is ‘no evidence that this health inequality has narrowed since 2001’.

Something needs to change and I want to do whatever I can to help. That’s why I’m sharing my story.

As Black queer men, we need to take control of our sexual health by getting on PrEP and testing regularly.

It’s so much safer to care about your sexual health, than completely ignore it.

For more information about PrEP, visit the Terrence Higgins Trust website here

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing James.Besanvalle@metro.co.uk. 

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