The issue of consent – or rather the practice of Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) – is the subject up for discussion on this week’s episode of Metro’s sex and relationships podcast Smut Drop.
The term is used when partners actively engage in sexual activity that demonstrates an extreme element of force. However, as host Miranda Kane finds out, it’s not as simple as rough sex – it goes even further.
It can even incorporate certain scenarios – such as ‘kidnapping’ – to add to the intensity.
While studies have found the ‘rape fantasy’ can be a sexual desire among both men and women, in America, research is underway to see if it can even be used to heal trauma for sexual abuse survivors.
Discussing the issue with Miranda on the podcast is Dr Lori Beth Bisbey – a sex therapist, intimacy coach and psychologist, not to mention expert on Channel 4’s Open House: The Great Sex Experiment – and together the pair tackle some of the questions surrounding the somewhat taboo subject of CNC.
What is Consensual Non-Consent (CNC)?
In the episode, Dr Lori tells Miranda: ‘CNC is so controversial because you’re giving up – in theory – the ability to withdraw your consent. That’s in theory. Because in reality you never give up your ability to withdraw your consent.
‘The reason some people use CNC is because they don’t want a ‘fluffy’ fantasy experience. They want the feeling of being out of control – as opposed to knowing how much control they have.
‘Rape is about anger, control and sometimes power. You’re saying “This is what I want, I want the experience of what it would feel like to be raped by a stranger or having somebody come upon me in this certain circumstance. I want it rough, I want it humiliating”.’
However, Dr Lori stresses that unlike in real life scenarios of rape, the difference with CNC is that ‘you can negotiate all of this with someone.’
She adds that CNC works best with a trusted partner. If you’re trying it out with someone new, Dr Lori says to meet them in person first.
‘I advise people not to do this with a stranger,’ she tells Miranda.
‘Trust your gut, use intuition and take your time. Ask potential partners if there’s someone you can talk to [who they’ve done CNC with] before.
‘Go out in the vanilla world and see how your potential partner treats wait staff and servers. They need to keep your emotional wellbeing at the top of their mind, can they do that easily with others?’
Can a rape survivor use CNC to heal?
Research is still ongoing into ‘rape fantasies’ and their impact on people within the extreme kink community, particularly survivors of sexual abuse.
For Dr Lori, she has issued a strong word of warning to those seeking solace in CNC for the first time.
‘There are key things we need to be clear about,’ the expert says.
‘If you’re a survivor who hasn’t had therapy and still gets triggered by your rape then you should not be doing this. A lot of people will say “oh, it can be really healing”. Which is true.
‘But that’s only possible when it’s done in a controlled way with your mental health looked after. You should always talk about triggers and be very clear and talk about the trauma, that’s part of the negotiation.
‘There’s some research going on in California where there are some dominants (tops) that work with therapists to help rape victims reenact their experiences.
‘The tops deal with the physical reenactment part and the therapist is on hand before for preparation and afterward for dealing with the emotional part of it. It works really well for some people.’
Instead, seeking support from a registered charity such as Rape Crisis or The Survivor’s Trust may be a better course of action if you’re still triggered by your assault.
How do you stay safe during CNC?
According to Dr Lori, you should set out ‘bottom lines’ and plan safe words despite the uncontrolled nature of CNC. The perceived lack of consent demonstrated during this extreme form of rough sex is purely an act, and both parties need to be clear of that.
When in doubt, Dr Lori adds the handy acronym PRICK is always on hand. It stands for Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink.
PRICK surrounds the idea that as long as you take personal responsibility for yourself and you’re informed, you can truly consent to extreme – or seemingly dark – kinks.
Smut Drop
Smut Drop is a weekly podcast with host Miranda Kane from Metro.co.uk, touching on sex, dating and relationships.
With no holds barred, it’s the home of sex positive chat, where Miranda will be joined each week by sexperts and special guests to explore the world of the erotic.
And we want to hear from you, too! As part of our podcast we’ll be sharing listeners’ experiences, thoughts and questions on a different theme every week.
So if you want to be involved in something brilliant – either anonymously or using your bold and beautiful name – drop us an email to smutdrop@metro.co.uk or slide into our DMs on Twitter @smutdrop.
With new episodes dropping every Wednesday, you can download Smut Drop from all your usual places.
She adds: ‘You can mediate the risk [of any extreme sex act] and you have a right to choose to do something that’s dangerous. I’m not going to judge you for that or for what turns you on. But I will judge you if you don’t do your due diligence.
‘Make clear things you want to do and don’t want to do. Aftercare is also important in supporting each other and caring for each other.’
Dr Lori compares CNC and other forms of extreme rough sex – such as choking or breath play – to skydiving.
‘You can be prepared and take precautions, but there will always be an unavoidable element of danger.’
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Kirsten.Robertson@metro.co.uk
Share your views in the comments below.
MORE: The most popular fetishes around the world (and some of the most obscure)
MORE: ‘Conversation with no obligation’: What it takes to run a legal brothel
MORE: How not to get into a tangle if you want to try a bit of rope play in the bedroom
Sign up to our guide to what’s on in London, trusted reviews, brilliant offers and competitions. London’s best bits in your inbox
